Turning It Off

"Take time to deliberate; but when the time for action arrives, stop thinking and go in."                                                                  ~Napoleon Bonaparte, French Short Smart Guy

Alas, I think too much. Napoleon would have such an issue with me if he were to meet me (and I with him, as well, mind you, for I like those who bathe more than those who don't). He may be able to just shut off his mind and concentrate on the action, but I simply cannot. I find it a little impossible most times, and it gets... well, tiring. Simply tiring.

I've only recently come to realize that I think too much, however, and, ironically enough, I came to that realization by thinking too much upon the matter of me thinking too much. Now I know that some of you who read this blog may wonder if thinking too much is all that bad; after all, wouldn't many people rather think too much than think too little? Well, I don't know how I'd feel about thinking too little, for, vain as it sounds, I don't think I've ever done it. It's not something I'm proud of, my overthinking, mind you; I just haven't ever thought less than excessively.

Anyone ever watch the Princess Bride? Remember Vizzini's speech? The one that he gives as he debates whether or not to drink from the cup in front of him or from the cup across from him? Well, that's generally how my life always goes. It's an ongoing stream of thoughts, and it's insane sometimes how much stress I get into by just thinking too much. I always have to wonder whether or not what I'm thinking is wrong or right, or whether or not it's some cognitive distortion that makes me think that way or not. Then I have to go on and wonder whether or not I'm thinking that it's a cognitive distortion in order to hide from myself that it's actually not a distortion, and that they really do hate me. Take my boyfriend's parents, for example. I'm terrified of them. I'm always most careful around them, and I tend to always be on guard in their presence. Recently, I took time to sit back and wonder whether or not my feeling that they dislike me is just my own projections onto them, and it's really I who hate myself, rather than them. However, I then kept thinking and worrying that maybe it wasn't a cognitive distortion at all, and that they really did dislike me. And if they did, I'd rather think that they did then be overconfident in the fact that they didn't, you know? So then I just thought myself in circles and circles for about two hours. This is generally how all of my therapy sessions go, and no matter how many times my therapists ask for solid proof, I'm not sure if what I provide them is solid proof, or if I'm reading far too much into things. And so... things just go in circles and I just end up getting stressed.

Of course, I really have no idea how to stop this from happening at all. It's just... difficult to stop thinking so much when I have such an analytical mind. My boyfriend had suggested that I undergo CBT, but that really hasn't helped much either, since I just could never be sure what really was proof, and what was just me trying to make it proof. Augh, it's just so... tiring. I wish my mind would stop sometimes.

In addition, there's this other thing where whenever I'm around almost everyone, I keep this running stream of talk going in my head about what I should be doing and saying. For example, say I'm with a few friends at a lunch table. Everything I do and say is generally thought through with a goal in mind, usually the goal of getting them to like me and accept me more, and view me as generally a good person. This doesn't happen with everyone, of course, like with my parents, boyfriend, and best friend. But with everyone else, I always feel like I have such a superficial relationship with them. Everything I say and do is always analysed (yes, Aaron, that's with an "s") beforehand (albeit quickly, considering I still have to make it seem like a regularly timed reply), and it gives me such a headache by the end of the day, but it's not like I can do much to stop it. I can't help that I think about everything I say and do to always come across as a genial person. My reputation means so much to me, and I wish it mattered less sometimes. I always wished I really was a person who didn't care what other people thought of me. Sure, in some regards, that's true, but in others, I care about social reputation and weight more than anything else. It's brought me quite a bit of personal issues, actually, and I do wish that it'd stop. I don't know how, and my therapists are just avoiding that subject, or they're saying that everyone goes through that. That's shit. Everyone does not go through this much thinking about everything they say and do. I mean, in my head, it's literally a slightly more complicated and intricate version of "Okay, laugh here. Wait, only for about five seconds though. All right, you can stop laughing now. Now you look over at her and make eye contact, and say these exact words..." And it just keeps going on and on and on. You can imagine that by the end of the day, headaches aren't really unwarranted.

And so, I leave you here, wondering just what to do about my crazy mind. I know that I'm lucky to have an analytical mind, and to be able to do things with this mind that many wish they could do, but sometimes I wish I had a more carefree mind. Only sometimes, however, since I enjoy my own vain intelligence just a bit too much to really let it go. Oh yeah, I wish I didn't feel that way either. How great.